I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
