it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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