the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
