i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
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