Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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