I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
