I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
