I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Randomize
