Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Randomize
