I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
