I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
only if we run a train.
done.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
