please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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