life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
