i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
