I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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