I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
My vagina is officially offended.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
