I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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