I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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