Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
