new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
