So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Text me some of your sweat
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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