I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
