Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
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