Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
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