she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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