i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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