wakey wakey hands off snakey
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
