my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
