Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
