I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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