sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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