Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
