So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
