I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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