Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
