i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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