I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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