I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
