wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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