I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
