I wish my penis had an off switch
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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