Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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