i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
