Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Randomize
