the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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