when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
