some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
