Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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