just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
