After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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